"Let yourself feel it"

I wrote the following in my journal after a hard and frustrating morning at the office. I apologize if it sounds whiny, but it definitely describes how I feel on many days and illustrates my feelings pretty well.

I'm trying to "let myself feel it", as a close volunteer friend of mine says. When you are Peace Corps Volunteer you become well acquainted with the always unpredictable emotional roller coaster. There are many highs and lows that can dictate my moods here. I get strength from acknowledging that I successfully lived abroad for over a year, from having long talks with my host Mom in Thai, and patting myself on the back for surviving having only a bicycle for personal transportation. However, there are many times when I don't feel strong at all.

One of the most common sentiments of a Peace Corps Volunteer is the feeling of not having enough to do. We come to live in a new culture and community with energy, ideas and training but often quickly find that these traits are not always appreciated and some in these communities cannot overcome our "foreigness" and see for the resources that we really are. Also there is not much to do after the sun goes down and volunteers are left bored until its an acceptable hour at which to go to bed.

Though the office I have been assigned to work with refuses to see me as a resource and its workers would rather play on the internet than survey the community, which we all serve, with me, I am lucky enough to have found projects, valuable work, and community members to work with. I should be thanking my lucky stars, as not all volunteers are as...well..lucky. BUT, I still experience the same hardships as anyone in the field of development or living in another culture.

Sometimes I also feel like I am missing out on real life. While some of you may thinking, "What?! Living in rural Thailand is as real as it gets!", sometimes it feels like I am in some sort of parallel universe standing still while the rest of the world keeps on turning. Some of this is because Peace Corps is so time-bound. Not a day goes by when I don't think about how long I have been here or how long I have left in my service. It's not that I want to leave; I can't imagine going back to America right now. However, it does seem that I am constantly looking back into the past or ahead into the future and finding it hard to live in the moment.

When I'm not thinking about the 2 year commitment, I'm always thinking about traveling, either for Peace Corps or for pleasure. Again this is a sign that I'm having trouble living in the moment. I'm sure it has a bit to do with my personality and also the Western thought process. Most Thai people seem to have no problem living in the moment and seem to think, in their words, that I have a "hot heart". This means I am too preoccupied with planning, that I am stressed, that I am constantly looking for something to do. I think it really means that I am just a young American looking to make a difference in my life and those lives around me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am frustrated and trying to work all this out, all while sweating my ass off and riding a damn bicycle everywhere (pardon my language)!

Hope that journal excerpt didn't scare too many of you off. Later this day I hosted the first meeting of the reading club that will meet twice a week. This definitely turned my mood around, so much so that I stopped and visited with those in the community that do appreciate my presence and I was able to live in just the small moment and appreciate their conversations and cool air of the evening breeze.